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Thu Feb 22 09:00:16 2007 News:
since 1996!
it is sunny, but the power is out all over the mission. street lights are out. i went to get a bagel and the women at the bagel shop were cleaning in the dark. at ritual they have power and they are playing the knife's 'silent shout.' remind me to listen to this when i get to work.there is mercury retrograde hilarity already.
1. mercury will go retrograde in pisces tomorrow. we can talk about this and how it affects you if you need to. email me. (ps. i still owe chart readings to a couple of people - schedule a TIME with me)2. i'm kinda thinkin that wordpress is a lot easier to use than movable type, especially for uploading images and including them in posts. i am not using it for elly.org, in fact i'm trying to migrate elly.org into drupal so i can put my money where my mouth is. but i am using it for another project right now and it's nice. i haven't interacted with the dreaded loop yet though.3. re, putting elly.org into drupal, drupal 5.x is super nice. the CCK and views modules are much better integrated, and that is fantastic because those are the modules that make drupal flexible and usable for custom sites. also vast interface improvements. the bad news is that now i need to upgrade the drupal installation on oof.org. the good news is that there aren't really any sites in it yet.4. this morning i checked on the plants that i'd put out on the back porch at olivers. the palm tree is sticking straight up cheerfully and the sage is blooming amazingly. before i moved i pruned the sage and picked off all the whitefly larvae so i think that's part of it, but there's nothing like actual rain.5. i'm hoping to start a blog about second life soon. 6. living with oliver is so fucking awesome.7. it's pretty great if there are events in your life that are so detailed and amazing and ethereal that you can't even begin to comprehend how you'd do them justice by describing them in words. this weekend's party was something like that. it was one of those parties that you always know is happening somewhere but you aren't sure how people ever get there or find the people that throw them. it was a real honor to look upon the girl who i can only describe as the john william waterhouse girl crouched on the rocks at the shore of the sacramento river, on the other side of the train tracks, her huge magnanimous locks tangled up inside a gold plastic crown, wearing one piece victorian underwear and not much else. she had cemented her place as the symbol of this party for me earlier in the evening - actually it was 7am and the sun was rising. she had been putting her fingers in her mouth casually while the band played on the landing and the wallpaper peeled and she drank a beer and her face was so huge and wide and none of this was special at all to her. i don't mean to say she was dismissive, i just mean to say that it's very reassuring that there are people in the world for whom all night parties in falling down bordellos and songs about sailors who have lost their mind that are sung at 7am.. people for whom these situations are quite natural. anyway, i hope i see her again.
sometimes, i put my hair up in pins to take a shower and just leave it like that all day.sometimes, oliver kisses my ears on his way to or from my cheeks or eyes, and it makes a specific sound no one hears but me.
moving is always emotional. even if you're totally fine with the actual move and not even sad about leaving the place, just the process of touching everything you own is bound to bring some tears here and there.
we just transported the cats from my old apartment to oliver's. franklin meowed loudly the whole ride over, just like he did when he was tiny and we brought him home from the SPCA. mrowl. mrowl. mrowl! mrow. mrrowl! yoko is quiet and attentive to her surroundings whenever these kinds of things go on. when we let them out, yoko decided franklin was the enemy again and hissed at him, and franklin was very perturbed and confused and ran around in circles yowling. now yoko is actively securing the perimeter and frankles is hiding. i hope all will be well by morningish.
- had a great cabbie who took me to macworld. he didn't want to go down to moscone, because of traffic, but he was super cheerful about it anyway. we talked about how everyone should have to work in the service industry for a year, so they learn to be nice to service workers. he told me i should write a book about the weird things that people said to me when i worked in the soap store, and just call it SOAP.- met a gentleman on valencia street who told me he went by "neighborhood nick" and that he used to work in the bike store on 14th before it was called box dog. we speculated that he could have been the guy who sold me my 1963 cruiser Irma. he had long hair and reminded me a bit of josh from omega. he asked me if i knew drummer dan and seemed surprised when i didn't. he offered to fix my bike for $20, and said he had every tool you'd ever need to take apart any part of any bike. he regaled me with stories of his 40s bikes. this was all in about a block of walking together down valencia. - read some old emails from oliver from when we first got together and felt happy, remembered when i had more trust for the world and the days were just fun. i believed the world would provide for me! and i wasn't afraid. being able to remember that feeling long enough to feel it again tonight was really good.
there is a lot going on.I have given notice on my apartment, and I have to be out by Feb 8. I don't have another place lined up yet, and honestly, I'm not sure exactly what I'll do. I'm going to look at a really cute one bedroom tomorrow that's in Bernal Heights. I definitely feel like I could find a one bedroom apartment that I love and move stuff into it, but I'm worried because it's going to be pretty spendy to do that. I was feeling a yearning to have my own space, where I can leave the same CD on repeat for days and no one will care, where I can listen to records all the time, and where there is less stuff and less space to care for. But I feel worried about the cost of a one bedroom...... and I feel worried about myself and my relationship because Oliver and I don't really care to move in together again. Maybe we're just non traditional people with a lot of Aquarius and Sagittarius in our charts, freedom needers, friends at heart. Or maybe we just aren't super passionate? Or maybe now is just a time for me to be in my own space and independent. I don't know which of those it is, really, and I don't know what, if any, value judgement I would make if I did know. It's weird to be older and not desperately NEED someone, but just want them and their company for pleasure's sake, it makes it seem like everyone is so optional, and maybe disposable if they are no longer fun, and that's new to me. clearly that isn't the way to feel, but i haven't gotten to the end of understanding this yet.One thing I don't feel, which I'm glad for, is yearning sentimental attachment to this apartment. I worry about my lack of sentimentality lately, but I also am relieved to not have to have intense feelings about every tiny corner of this house like I have about other places left behind. My time here, despite it being my safe haven while Oliver and I were broken up last year, which should have led to attachment, has been fairly blasé and uninteresting.* Not too many strong memories were made here, and the ones that were made have been pretty disassociated from the place itself and had more to do with people. It never felt like much of a home, even though I have been here I think longer than I've lived in any one house or apartment in my life (over two years). It makes me sad to type that out... how sad that this was never a gentle 'home' for me. I wonder if I will ever feel that way again about a place. If I could just let go into something - a person, place, or idea - again, I could maybe feel really passionately sentimental and in love and vulnerable and fascinated and all those things. But, honestly, internet, I haven't really been able to let go into anything ("trust" i guess) since I broke up with Peter. I really think I broke something inside of myself then and I don't know how to fix it. It's been so long that it no longer has anything to do with Peter or wanting anything from that time BACK. I just want to be able to lose myself in things and feel again. Maybe it is impossible, maybe it is a lack of innocence, maybe it is Saturn.in addition to all these complex feelings about the apartment, i have basic ones, which are: i'm sick of trying to figure out what to do with all the space, and i'm sick of trying to keep it clean, and i'm sick of trying to hustle rent every month.* note to oof: you are not blasé and uninteresting, and when you and i were in the same room of this house, with kitties too, it felt more like home than it maybe ever did, but any room would feel that way with you in it.anyway, if I don't find a place by Feb 1 or so, I will just move everything into storage and couch surf for a while, or stay in a sublet or something like that. what else.peter's server, still.hungry.com, has suffered major woes in the last couple of weeks. my homedir there was 7 years old, and this week i moved all my stuff off of there and deleted a lot of it, too. objectively, to rationalists like the people who surround me every day, it's not related to anything, but in mind, it seems pretty tied up together with all my recent thoughts about the past and home, and with moving. if you have a shell account with a very old homedir, you will understand how wrapped up and attached we get to these virtual distributed mindspaces and their hosts. i am sad to lose another connection to previous times. but also relieved to have scattered my homedir and email to new, neutral and safe virtual homes.physical representations of memories and past times seem to wear away so sadly every single day. it's torture to try to keep things safe from time. i had so many constructs for respecting the past and for respecting people who are missing from me, for keeping them safe in my mind from time. i worked hard to let go of them because it's too much to ask of myself. but i can't help but notice that the socks you gave me have huge holes in the toes and heels and when i wear them it makes me feel so happy and close to the past, but so sad because they are disintegrating so reliably. and there aren't many other items like this around anymore, only one other secret thing i can think of right now. maybe once they are all gone i will be free. now that i am crying i am no longer curious why i haven't been writing.-->...it's totally stupid to put this here after writing that huge post, but the only reason i even came here to write was to say how excited i am about getting this mug:because i want to latch it to my bag with a carabeener and get my to go coffee in it so that i am doing my part to use less paper. it costs $3. tonight on chat i told oliver that i want this mug more than an iPhone, and that is totally true.
still/home/le: lsSegmentation fault
today, i went to brunch with oliver and oofie and tuggy. i was feeling very animated and was punching and kicking everyone a lot. gently. tuggy has lost so much weight i can wrap my arms all the way around him and actually do damage by frogging him in the arm! very exciting. oofie was being extra charming to make me feel even more sad that he's leaving for NYC tomorrow, and oliver's eyes seemed especially bright blue. and we had mimosas and bellinis. and i ate delicious flatbread. and then we took a fieldtrip to go get coffee at bluebottle. then we came home and oliver cleaned up our stuff in the basement and i laid in bed and melted into the mattress with complete coziness and read the internets a bit and mostly just laid there. then megs came over and was wearing quite a few different drapey clothing items and we went to cafe gratitude and talked about many things. then we came home and worked on her website, which i will put up in a few mins, and the breaker blew once because of the space heater, and i went down and flipped it back over, and while i was in the back yard i thought about how i will miss the backyard if i move, which i am very seriously considering doing.and oofie leaves tomorrow. but he's leaving me his free weights, which is good, because i can get really buff using them and then kick his ass for leaving next time i see him.oliver is also leaving tomorrow, for chicago, but he's coming back in a week. i will miss all the oofs, but i get the house to myself and am going to space out completely and float around flakily making messes with no one to witness them.
it's crazy how unable to write i am! fuckie. but, i am so excited to be home. today was a wonderful day of homeness. the coffee shop was wonderful, my walk was wonderful.. i thought so much about all i wanted to do. work was great.. i was only there for like 3 hours but during that time so much got done, in my head and actually done. i feel i may have finally solved one of the biggest quandaries so far with EFF drupal. then i got to go see dr jacoby. she is great, how she can do a pap smear in her beautiful white silky blouse and gold necklace. she's so skinny and long and reassuring. she cut me open once! she said my uterus was light and that she could flop it around easily with her finger. i found this reassuring. then i went to rainbow and bought all the food i wanted. a lot of times i go and i think i don't deserve all the food i want and i should only buy produce and ingredients so that i can make healthful meals all day. but today i went and got soy pudding and boca burgers. yoni is here on his way home to olympia. he and his girlfriend just appeared at my door in the rain. we sat in the amber light from the christmas lights and talked about all the most intense things in our brief catching up. this is the wonderful thing about some old friends.. that 'catching up' means telling the then the deepest thing that has been on your mind, not where you work now or whatever. that is what i want....also, holy crap, today is the 10th anniversary of my 1st arrival in SF. bring on year 11!
we fly home from vieques in a few hours. paradise has been very paradisical and all, but i miss my cats and my routines. still not really into writing here.
i have seen three huge spiders in our bohio. i have also seen a cow and her calf grazing with their horse friend in the field beyond the swimming pool. some kind of egrets often come and land by the pool and have a drink. last night we met the bead lady up in chez shack. oliver knew her name and she remembered him. she had just gotten back from peru. i looked at the smile lines around her eyes while she told us that the women there wear bowler hats and carry babies on their backs in satchels. she said that the kids there carry baby alpacas or baby goats on their backs in satchels too, instead of baby dolls. she told us this while she killed bee after bee. bees were hanging around her little jewelry store room, and while we stood there one stung her finger and she didn't even make a sound. she knew who made my necklace, which i got in brooklyn. i stayed up until 4am absorbing the aloneness of night time. i saved oliver from spider bigger than a silver dollar while he slept. when i finally laid down to sleep i loved him so much i wanted to wake him up but instead i just petted his back gently. i slept until 2. when i woke up i tried to do yoga while looking at the ocean but i mostly just laid on my mat waking up.
we got into vieques yesterday afternoon after about 12 hours of redeye travel. we took a tiny propeller driven plane from san juan into vieques. i passed out soon after we got our bohio and forced myself to sleep until 7am. i think i slept 12 hours! there was a heavy tropical rain in the night, and i woke up to roosters crowing and a pack of semi wild dogs frolicking by the pool. there was a party down the hill in town last night, and i can still hear them partying now, almost 8am.
i got tired of walking around manhattan after we left santacon around 3pm. i was hungry, and i had become a little overwhelmed by recent depression and stress. we were in chelsea which never seems to have anything good. i started crying with some kind of muddled sadness and frustration mixed with general built up unhappiness. we sat on the curb a moment and evaluated our options. it was kind of cold and i was wearing a santa dress and a santa hat with holes cut in and bunny ears poking through. a serious but hip looking young asian man pulled up in some bland car, and asked if we were saving the parking spot that our feet were inadvertantly in. we said no. we moved up to sit on the sidewalk and he parked and got out of the car with his wife and dog. they began unloading packages. the dog licked us a lot and the man apologized for her a few times. oliver complimented the man on his parking spot. we asked them about a diner we were trying to find where oliver promised there were grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup. the man gave us some advice that resembled the advice the people in the coffee shop gave us, and he also completely ignored the fact that i was dressed like a santa bunny and oliver was a full on santa with a fat belly and jester style santa hat. his wife ignored us completely. it sounds like i didn't like him but i was very comforted by the interaction and his steadiness.we walked around the corner, continuing on our diner goose chase, and wandered into a bookstore we'd passed before. there was a large painting on the wall which seemed like a message straight to me. after that day i had a couple more bad times with some crying and release of pent up stress and emotions that i haven't been talking about because i've been working too much and being all anxious about talking about anything. finally on tuesday and wednesday i was happy and felt more myself than i had in a few months. i really need to not bottle things up. it's hard, i have to make an appointment with myself to feel things and then maybe i can make an appointment with someone to talk about feelings, but i hate appointments so i'll probably just keep bursting forth randomly. which is fine. we are all different.oliver asked me if the time it takes me to adjust to where i am is the same amount of time no matter how long i'm staying, or a time period relative to the length of the entire trip. i thought about that question a lot. i didn't really think about what the answer to it actually is, but instead i just thought about all the possibilities inherent in the question and would mix them around in my mind while i was falling asleep or between comments in conversation.in the airport in new york oliver bought me a book about a call girl. i finished it by the time i went to sleep in san francisco. i love stories about hookers and drug users. ...list of new york activities, all out of order:- went to the met to lay happily near the temple of dendur, and oliver petted my hair- went to great lakes and saw dp and drank only water and gingerale- party at pete & urcella's- got all these ideas about shit i want to do- went to PS1 (AMAZING)- santacon- tried to go to little branch. too crowded, like a sauna, upright bass or whatever might have taken it a little beyond for me- argued in the union square holiday market, actually became BORED during argument related anxiety attack, then had sudden bizarrely easy reconciliation and shopped like normal. - drinks at the 80s B Bar- gave pinky a footrub since she walked across mhtn for 12 hours in bedroom slippers- admired juniper...i'm going to vieques island for a week tomorrow night. i know i should go there and stay off the computer but i want to build some stuff in second life, which is what i did last time i was on vacation and it was wonderfully soothing.
i have like 10 unpublished entries in movable type. i write them, then i don't post them. they are mostly about the ways i've felt bad lately, and part of why i feel bad is something about what others think of me, so i can't really post them lest it make everything worse.
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